Bad Advice for New Parents, Exposed!

Lie #1: Breastfeeding will help get your shape back quicker

My body is busy feeding a baby, not concerning itself with a shape. Besides, if it were that simple, we'd all be breastfeeding! Presently the only shape I have is when cinched into a baby carrier and hidden under sixteen pounds of baby. To accommodate the girth of my tummy, my shorts are so big that my legs clang around like bells in the extra fabric (admittedly, there are worse problems, but bunching + humidity does not a pair make). Amorphous is my slogan, because who needs a figure when belly flub is the perfect baby shelf? 

While it's true that milk production burns calories, it also ensures erratic sleep- either from Cookie waking to eat, or the wet sheets from her not waking to eat. Without a foundation of rest, it's hard (impossible?) to lose weight.

And don't even tell me you weighed less than usual while breastfeeding, idontwannahearit.

4mo old. Onesie courtesy of Nourished Foods

Lie #2: Breastfeeding is free

I'm a big advocate of breastfeeding for all of its benefits, but cost is not exactly one of them. It was shocking for me to learn, but there is a whole line-up of (expensive) supportive equipment needed: nursing bras, pillows, shirts, pads, shells, shields, creams, and pumps (and for many, lactation consultants). All said and done after two kids, and I have spent at least $1,000 to outfit these milk wells. And in case you are wondering (because I was), the cost of formula feeding and bottles is estimated to be $1,500/year.

Lie #3: You will lose sleep

Ok, this is true, but I list it here because it's a gross understatement. You don't just lose sleep, you forget your spouse's name. And yawning interferes with holding a conversation. And you leave a poopy diaper in your bag for THREE days.

Where's MY shoulder to sleep on?! 3mo old

Lie #4: Second babies are entertained by their older sibling and will prefer to lie still and watch rather than start crawling

HAHAHAHA! Nope, they just want to catch up, fast. We are moving cross-county in one month, and I was counting on Cookie to be immobile. Instead, she's scooching around the floor at four months old. Ay. 

Psst... it's more fun to be mobile!

Lie #5: It goes by so fast

Nearly every day, there are moments that I take one. breath. at. a. time. So that slows things down a bit. The only people who say it goes by fast are the ones not on the receiving end of a sudden tantrum over an impossible demand.    

Lie #6: The twos are terrible

The twos are cute and innocent and forgivable in their full-of-discoveriness. It's the threes, full of sass and muscle, that are rough. 

Lie #7: The Babies R Us registry checklist

I present you with the biggest offender of them all! This checklist should be renamed "58 quick steps to anxiety and utter breakdown." In three years and two kids, I still haven't used everything here, and there is even an expanded version that includes "good to have" items. Here's my advice: drop this list and run, far away from Babies R Us. This is all you really need in the first few months: boobs, diapers, support person and/or group, a good bra, and a swaddle wrap. Oh, and chocolate-covered espresso beans.

But here's some advice that has stood the test of time, spoken by a friend and father of three grown sons: 

You can't break them and they don't remember.

Hallelujah.



P.S. I am too tired to write anything that is not in list form
P.P.S. I still can't bring myself to write about leaving here/ saying goodbye.