Nug & Cookie Have Two Mommies

Wild flowers stood in mason jars, their blooms splashing brightly atop each table. Wrapping their stems, a string and a card announced one of six states: Connecticut, Massachusetts, District of Columbia, Vermont, New Hampshire, and Iowa (and Canada for a seventh). "Places they've traveled?" speculated our wedding guests, despite the peculiar line-up. It was September 2010, and these cards represented the six states with legalized same-sex marriage.

Our wedding cake topper

Four quick years later, and a total of nineteen states (plus D.C.) have legalized same-sex marriage. The pace has been amazing and affirming, and with each ruling, a celebration. Coastal and progressive states were first to ring wedding bells, but last month my mouth fell open with the news that Virginia would begin marrying same sex couples*. If equal rights can spread to the South, I thought, a huge shift in collective consciousness is here. And if the remaining thirty-one states fell in line, what would it look like to be finally, legally, universally recognized as a family? (Of course I'd still be making dinner and changing diapers, but maybe while wearing a fabulous apron of protection and acknowledgment).

fabulous acknowledgment apron

For many reasons, writing about what it means to be a queer family today is not easy. With plenty of love and support already from my peer group, I wonder, is there even anything to discuss? Conversely, do I want to share these personal, political details of our family? Does anyone even care? Are we really that different? Our day to day struggles are those of every family, mostly. Television remote battles and the last square of toilet paper happen in our home too!

Drag make-up in the morning, like us gays do.

But then, not every family takes their daughter and their adoption documents to urgent care. Heterosexual couples using a sperm donor are not saving up for legal fees like we did. And not every couple pays $800 for the court to change their last names.

We may have seen monumental change since our 2010 wedding, but there is still work to be done. So, at the risk of complaining, and after weeks of struggling with this blog post, I'm pushing through because regardless of how good, bad, or redundant it may be, documenting my experience contributes to that work. When the day comes that our family is completely accepted and protected, I can tell my daughters that we were part of the fight to make it a better world.

This is what I want people to know:

Our two-mom family may not be commonplace, but it is part of a great, loving community. The freedom and innocence with which Nug announces, "I have two moms, a Mama and a Mommy!" among perfect strangers is owed to many courageous people before her. They would be very proud.

Not too long ago, people believed that because I am gay, I am not qualified to raise a child. Yet, in a delightful twist of irony, being gay has helped teach me that love, openness, and acceptance is all the parenting qualification I need... it's all anybody needs.

W and I didn't think we would see gay marriage in our lifetimes. We crossed it off our list, thinking a private commitment of love would be good enough. It's not. When our vows of forever were publicly acknowledged through marriage, it cemented what we had already come to know: that living with lesser than is unacceptable, for any human being.

Yes, children are conceived from male bits and female bits. This is why, despite conceiving two children immediately, I was given the label "infertile: male factor." Ha! But conception is such a small piece of the big family puzzle, and placing emphasis on a sperm donor is insensitive to my wife, who has put in all the time and effort as their parent. My children are clearly gorgeous, intelligent, and healthy, thanks mostly to events occurring after conception day.

Coming out of the closet is hard. It's been fifteen years and still, when a stranger asks about my husband, my heart skips a beat. However, every corrected assumption is a step towards openness and when the next stranger asks instead about my partner (or spouse), I know the effort is worth it.

Queer family, askew at the beach (Sept 2014)

*A stay has been issued, so weddings can not currently proceed, but the fact remains that the South has entered the arena. Florida, Arkansas, Texas, Utah, Oklahoma, Kentucky, and Idaho are also on the docket; their bans ruled unconstitutional and pending appeal.

Reading List

Finding children's books that reflect our experience and values is a challenge, but over time we've created a decent collection. I list them here for all to enjoy, but especially for the handful of queer friends (wink wink) who I am desperately hoping join me on the parenting journey soon!

Mommy, Mama and Me by Leslea Newman

Our wedding centerpieces

Oh The Things Mommies Do -Crystal Tompkins

The Family Book- Todd Parr

And Baby Makes Three -Judith Benjamin

The Different Dragon -Jennifer Bryan

ABC A Family Alphabet Book -Bobbie Combs

Emma and Meesha My Boy -Kaitlyn Considine

And Tango Makes Three -Richardson & Parnell

I Like Myself -Karen Beaumont

This Day in June -Gayle Pitmas

All I Want to Be is Me -Phyllis Rothblatt

The Story of Ferdinand -Munro Leaf

Rosie Revere, Engineer -Andrea Beaty

Naked Mole Rat Gets Dressed -Mo Willems

I Like Me -Nancy Carlson