You Ungrateful, Depressed Mom: Judgment, Pride, and Tips for Surviving Intact

Last week I was interviewed for a Yahoo Shine story in response to this post on the Matt Walsh blog. It's a beautiful essay in defense of the work of stay at home moms, and it's gotten a lot of attention. The interviewer wanted to know if, like the blog author, I've ever been approached with "you're just a stay at home mom?" or "what do you do all day?" To the dismay of her story, I hadn't. In fact, I generally feel supported (sometimes even envied). 

Then we hung up, and the two noisy toddlers in my care took a nap, and I thought again about my answer. Because if I'm being totally honest, there is someone who has asked those less-than-courteous questions: me!

Here's the thing. Sometimes, while using your nice sweater to wipe your child's snot, as you fail to get her in the car seat, then discovering she has diarrhea but you have no change of clothes, and passers-by look in at what sort of abuse must surely be occurring, and the whole time you're thinking about how empty the fridge is and how much you have to pee, then, you don't feel very... accomplished. And you sigh in memory of how you used to make things happen. How people used to listen to you. How so much used to get done. Which matters sometimes because we live in a production-oriented world and all I produce these days is dirty laundry and mediocre dinner. 

And that's what some days look like when you're just a stay at home mom. Of course, they are also this (quoted from Matt's blog post, referring to his wife):

"She JUST brings forth life into the universe, and she JUST shapes and molds and raises those lives. She JUST manages, directs and maintains the workings of the household, while caring for children who JUST rely on her for everything. She JUST teaches our twins how to be human beings, and, as they grow, she will JUST train them in all things, from morals, to manners, to the ABC’s, to hygiene, etc. She is JUST my spiritual foundation and the rock on which our family is built. She is JUST everything to everyone. And society would JUST fall apart at the seams if she, and her fellow moms, failed in any of the tasks I outlined."

So beautiful and true, and so hard to remember when you're in the thick of it. 

Being a staying at home mom is like living in New York City: the best and worst of humanity. The difference is that no one wants to read about your crime scenes. That difficult, dark side is what makes us feel alone and judged and leads us to leave over nine thousand comments to Matt's blog. We live in a society that fails to honor or support or even understand housewives, and our defenses are up. 

Last fall I enrolled in a personal essay writing course. I had a lot to get off my chest after our stressful transition-to-parenthood-during-a-cross-country-move-and-job-change and I needed to vent to an audience of strangers. Wasting no time, my first essay jumped right into the emotional and physical struggles of new motherhood. I let it all out, opening myself up for the first time to reveal malfunction of body parts and intimate relationships. It was honest and beautiful and harsh, and, judging from the silence of classroom, hard to hear. I sat trembling in my chair, waiting for someone to break the silence, as if I had disclosed a secret that nobody wanted to hear. Finally an older woman spoke up to prove that, in fact, nobody did want to hear it. "My advice to you," she said cheerily, "remember that this time (babyhood) goes by so fast. Enjoy every minute!" Little tears began to well in my eyes. The next commenter flatly concluded that I had postpartum depression. I was crushed. By telling the truth, for casting light on the struggles, for not reveling in every moment of my daughter's first year, I was labeled as ungrateful and depressed. 

It's hard to imagine a world in which my stay at home role- the beauty and the darkness of it- is protected from judgment (including my own). Finding confidence and peace as a parent has been a moving target, but telling that interviewer that I don't feel negative judgment is evidence of how far I've come. I've gained a lot of positive protective mechanisms since becoming a mother. This is a good thing, since Cookie is on the way to double my fun. When I'm bleary-eyed from interrupted sleep and my buckets are dropping deep into the well of patience and kindness, I can look back at this blog post and remember how people like Matt are in my corner to make me feel like SuperMom.

Here are my top tips for feeling like an accomplished, supported, and honored stay at home mom: 

1. When in a slump, take photos. In the constant nearness of parenting, it can be hard to really see your child without worrying about safety, discipline, runny noses etc. Ever wonder why our kids are so angelic when sleeping? It's when they are sleeping that we can stand far enough back to gain perspective on our hard work, and theirs as well. Snapping photos is a quick way to recreate this feeling.
2. When I'm feeling saturated by neediness, I try to remember that I'll never be this important again. I'm the sun in this solar system and without my presence my planets would be lost in orbit. It's my time to shine. 
3. Luxuriate in the unique benefits of being a stay at home parent: you never really having to be on time, there's no where you really have to go, you can grocery shop during non-rush hours, and don't forget the possibility of naps!
4. I live in an area where the majority of children attend day care or have a nanny. Sometimes it seems that my daughter would be better off with one of these professionals too. Then I realized that I'm the professional! In so many ways, I've been studying for this role my entire life. 
5. Fresh air and exercise are excellent depression-busters. Taking care of children demands that I be playing outside. Coincidence? 
6. Accomplished, supported, honored moms hire help. This doesn't have to mean child care, but can be a cleaning service, a Mother's Helper, a few sessions of therapy, or a massage. 
7. I get to be present for the supreme joys of childhood: sprinklers, play-dough, made-up songs, mismatched clothes, I want lemon on my macaroni, bear hugs, and the first ice cream cone.

Not her first scoop, but new to sprinkles

Finally, remember that you will feel like yourself again, one day (though not while breastfeeding)!