Smile for the Camera (Presence in Parenthood)

Nug finished Kindergarten! ------ Whoa! ----- If it wasn't for all the growth I witnessed in her this year: the generosity, motivation, thoughtfulness, and enthusiasm, I would hardly believe it even happened. But, alas, it did! And she brought home further proof via armloads of paperwork: beautiful art, sweet writing journals, an exceptional academic report, cute photos, a delightful memory book compiled by her teacher, and an autograph book. It was all so so charming and I ate it up, but... uh, let's get practical: where do I put it? I let it all marinate on the dining room table overnight until I got the courage to sort it and look for space in a drawer of our old, built-in buffet. That's when I discovered the DVD. 

It had my dad's handwriting. And I'm generally aware of where I store things, so it was quite a surprise to come across a DVD of old videos of me that he had converted. I called the girls over and together we watched Preteen Me compete in gymnastics meets, celebrate my 13th birthday, play with my best friend Christine, and take a family trip to Las Vegas. It was surreal: I remember the thoughts of that young girl so well-- nervous performing and frustrated by her big, half-kinky hair-- but that girl also felt so foreign too. Because, right, IT IS me, but Little Me is so much closer to Nug's age and experience now that it was almost like we were watching her. And knowing how flawless Nug is, it broke my heart a little that I ever thought myself flawed. In that moment I recommitted to loving myself unconditionally, so that Nug could learn to do the same. 

While those videos felt so familiar and recent, they are actually now twenty years old. Where does the time go?! It was a good reminder to stop and savor childhood; to be there for the sporting events and the bad hair days, just as my parents were. Seeing my mom on-screen-- age 35 to 40, my age now-- was also an inspiration. She was smiling and beautiful in every scene. My family always joked that the camera loved her, because even under stress, she knew that what she wanted documented was happiness, and she delivered. In the emotions and exhaustion of parenting, this was impressive foresight and selflessness. I cringed as I wondered how many videos float out there of me, grimacing over some small infraction my children committed. What video will my kids pull out of an old drawer one day??!! (So thank you, Mom, for the reminder to pull it together and be in the moment... at least when people are watching! 😉).

This was all very timely since the weekend challenge for my Fit4Mom Body Back exercise group is to Be Present. One of our choices to execute the challenge is to journal about it... whaddya know, that happens to be right up my alley. So I searched for writing prompts related to being present, and below is some reflection on what's working for me and my half-kinky hair these days. 

Being present: You can't be anywhere else when you're on the beach- May 2017

(Questions pulled from Bounce Back Parenting) 

1. What does it mean to you to “be present”? What does it mean to you to do something “mindfully”? Does it sound good? Or like a chore?

Being present is a lost art. And just like art, our society treats it as a perk-- something optional but not necessary. With all the digital media coming at us, the value we place, and the expectations we have of our attention are so low, that yes, it feels like a chore to do anything but be mindlessly occupied. However, it feels so good to give something all of my focus. This is one of the reasons I love camping. 

2. Why do you want to be present with your family? What is the hardest thing about being present with the people you love? 

I want to be present with my family so I can make the moments count. The hardest thing about being present is the monotony of my day. True, my mind is not pulled in the multiple directions of work vs home, but it still wants to be occupied with things other than groceries and golf lessons. And oh my gawd it's hard to play pretend with a six-year-old and three-year-old! They could do it all day! I max out at around seven minutes. I'm also distracted by household thoughts: What am I going to serve for dinner? When can we pick up this mess? What time do we have to leave for school? And, Oh no, I forgot the eggs are boiling! 

3. What will you regret most if you miss it?

I love that I can stay home with my kids and be present for the little, everyday moments. I hope I'm doing justice to this opportunity. I hope I'm there to gush over Nug's hair when her preteen self decides to hate it, even though she won't care about my opinion by then anyway. 

4. What is your relationship with media – do you like how you use phones, computers, entertainment?

Yikes. I carry my phone everywhere, and check it often. I check for text messages, emails, the time, the news, who knows what. I try not to check it in front of the kids, but it's pretty darn exciting to get a notification on those days when I'm isolated by life with small kids. Fortunately, Facebook is out- quit last month and haven't looked back.

5. To be present with our kids we need to have a SELF to be present with. What do you do to recharge yourself? Are there things, big or small you would like to do to get in touch with yourself now?  How can you start doing one of them?

For the first time in six and half years, I can feel some space in my life. My kids are getting independent, and moments of quiet and reflection happen much more frequently. It is bittersweet, but also rewarding. My need to recharge isn't as dire as it once was, but when I do recharge, this is what I do: go for walks and listen to NPR podcasts, exercise, find a yoga or Zumba class, write/blog, watch tv, or garden. If I could do more things to get in touch with myself, I'd take a dance class, meet up with friends, or attend yoga regularly. I also had the recent brainstorm that I could start golfing when Cookie goes to preschool this Fall! 

So my hope for next year, when I open that squeaky buffet drawer again to put away Nug's first grade memorabilia, is that I've loved myself a little more, kept myself a little more recharged, and put aside distractions so I could smile... for every camera.