Parenting in the Digital Age (aka Oh Sh*t!)

Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is rapidly agin'
Please get out of the new one if you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'
-Bob Dylan

Growing up off-line in the 1980s and 90s, computers and mobile phones just weren't a part of my childhood. I was in college before I got my first email address or cell phone (a flip phone), and I was a full-fledged adult before social media reared its head. I am immensely grateful that my 20s were lived privately, without shared videos of me clumsily navigating fashion, romance, and alcohol! It is and will be a much different story, however, for my children. 92% of two-year-olds have a photo posted online within two weeks of their birth (mine did)! Like it or not*, our kids are already connected.

*I'm pretty sure I'm on the very conservative end of this conversation. I kept Nug home from a field trip to the Apple Store in 2nd grade because, among many reasons, the waiver asked for rights to her image. The other parents thought I was nuts.

While I know I am "parenting in the digital age," my approach thus far has been to stick my fingers in my ears and sing LALALA to myself whenever the topic comes up. It's not that I'm not thinking of it, I just have no idea how to approach it. Unlike teaching them to play softball, or be a polite host, or not to take rides from strangers, there is no model for me to follow. My "plan" was to approach it organically... as if technology would wait to sprout until I decided to water it. It's a sweet little social media baby in a organic cotton onesie! I also figured on at least another two years before I had to deal with this. But then- but then!- Nug had her ninth birthday sleepover and not one but two friends brought iPhones into our home. Boom, I'm deep in the pool of kids and connective devices.




So, when do you introduce kids to internet safety and digital citizenship? And how? 

Last year our elementary school hosted "Screenagers," a 2016 documentary about tech's impact on kids and parenting in the digital age. A theme from the movie is "Wait til Eight;" keeping children off connected devices until eighth grade. Sounds good to me, I thought. Perhaps the school has more tips for me on the subject- the kids use computers in school starting in first grade! But when the principal was asked if we could adopt the "Wait til Eight" promise, she gave me a dose of reality. "It will never work, parents rely on phones to track their kids." Ok, boxed checked. Getting consensus or guidance from the school? Negative.
(It is a large school of 800 kids, with understandably diverse points of view, but I disagree that we can't have a more formal statement about connected devices).

Luckily some schools do offer curriculum, and a private-school friend introduced me to "Cyber Civics." While designed for middle school, there are foundational lessons I can start now. I read the book a year ago, but after reading it did I do anything? Noooo. I re-shelved the book, promising to take it out yearly for a "refresher." After the sleepover, I pulled it out again. And this time... I took extensive notes!

From Raising Humans in a Digital World, by Diana Graber

When is the best age to give your child a connected device? 

Prior to age twelve, children are concrete thinkers (Piaget's Stages of Development) and cannot yet guess exactly how or what another person is experiencing. They reason as individuals, not as part of a larger community. After age twelve or thirteen, they have a better understanding of consequences (thus, "Wait til Eight"). However(!), the brain does not finish development until age twenty-five, and the last area to develop is the prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thought and good judgement.

Ask yourself these questions:

1. Have they developed the social and emotional skills necessary to use gadgets wisely? Can they show empathy, kindness, respect?
2. Do they know how to manage their online reputations? Do they know that everything they post contributes to an online reputation and can be used by colleges and employers to assess their character?
3. Do they know how to unplug? 
4. Do they know how to maintain safe and healthy relationships? Do they know what to do if they encounter bullying, predators, sexting, sextortion? If they are too young for these conversations, they are too young to have a connected device.
5. Do they know how to protect their privacy and personal information?
6. Do they know how to think critically about the content they find online? For accuracy, bias, and currency?
7. Are they equipped to be digital leaders? To make the internet more better, safer, and uplifting?

No, no, and no, the answers are no. I'm 41 years old and I can hardly say yes to these questions! So there is no way that my child is ready for a connected device, but I can set a solid foundation now through boundaries, supervision, and some key lessons.

• Boundaries: Set time limits. The bedroom is media-free. Dinner time is media-free. Devices need to be off 1-2 hours prior to bedtime. 
• Supervision: Monitor their use and your own (the kids are watching you, obey your own rules!) Narrate what you are doing online, and comment on what they are doing. Explain explain explain. 

Now, the book does not divide into lessons like the curriculum would, but I can't afford a whole middle school curriculum, so I'm creating my own lessons based on my kids' ages.

Age 6-9

Lesson One: Etiquette

• Learn how to write a proper email
• Model "unplugging." Teach them that "an hour away is more than okay." Or, to "turn off the sound and look around."
• Make a list of "100 non-screen activities" and post it prominently in the house.
• Help them stay on one task. Kids are so accustomed to toggling back and forth, there is even a term for it: continuous partial attention, and it is affecting their school learning.

Lesson Two: Play Nice

• Practice random acts of internet kindness together, i.e. leaving a good restaurant or author review
• Talk about the meaning of different emojis
• Play friendly video games together
• Watch educational content together and narrate along with it

Lesson Three: Nuts and Bolts

• Send texts and photos (to family/friends)
• Learn how to make a great password

Age 10+

Lesson One: Privacy

• Learn about privacy and commodity. Learn the items: personal information, cookies, third party, license, user content, location info, log file info. Never give an online stranger your full name, address, email, phone, school name, password, or photos.
• Teach the difference between Wifi and VPN and the "s" in https
• Google yourself

Lesson Two: Online Reputation

• Creating a positive online reputation. Post stories of community service or engagement with an activity. 
• Create a mindset that digital actions are public and permanent. We all have a digital "footprint," but think of it instead as a digital billboard, which is posted on the information highway that anyone driving by can see. What do you want people to see? 
• Learn the terms: social media, tagging, screenshot, upload, post, selfie, IRL

Lesson Three: Media Literacy

• Teach to detect C.R.A.P. (is it Current, Reliable, Accurate, what is its Purpose)? 
• Teach how to identify a fake email. 
• If a kid wants a new app, make them research it first and present to you.
• Look into parental monitoring software, but don't rely on it. 

______________________________________________ 

I still dread wading in these waters, but after taking my notes, I refreshed my google search on the topic and there are now TONS of free lessons (I signed up for CommonSense Media's curriculum. Check it out here). I am happy to know that professional support exists- more and more each year- and there are many other people thinking about these issues. 

And when it seems overwhelming or just plain obnoxious, I can remind myself that just like parenting off-line, the goal of digital citizenry is to learn to be human. Plus, I will always maintain that one of my most important gifts to my children will be teaching them the skill of unplugging and experiencing solitude and boredom. Kids: I'm sorry, and you're welcome!

Me: "Nug, wouldn't it be fun to have a teenage babysitter?"

Nug: "No, all teenagers do is look at their phones."