The End

 

Cookie, Jan 2021

When I was a new mom -- in constant physical contact with children... chasing, feeding, and scanning...  detoured daily by strong new emotions (theirs and mine) -- any quiet moment would find me yearning to write. I'd imagine sentences in my head for later use and grow giddy by my imagined genius. I lived for nap time when I could finally piece my thoughts together. I fancied myself a capital letters Mommy Blogger and for years, had an endless list of topics. I wrote the typical mom stuff: elusive naps, my elastic-waist pants, baby dolls. But also adult stuff, like my return to RN work, vegan eating, life as two moms, and importantly, the sprickets in the basement(!). 

Becoming a parent, or more aptly, a stay at home parent when you didn't think you ever would, is emotionally intense. I had so much to process. I also had a lot lot lot LOT of time living in the slow pace of a child. I feel this is blasphemous to say, but I'm going to do it anyway: it. is. mindlessly. boring! Yes it's breathtaking and privileged, but it's also very boring. Intense + boring. All this to say, my emotional limbic system overflowed and my intellectual cerebrum emptied. But stringing words together helped to balance the two, and this blog was born.

I started writing when Nug was an infant- she is eight months old in the first post (there may have been earlier posts but I deleted a bunch during a month of steep anxiety! Sigh). Nug is now ten. TEN. I've been writing for ten years. Lately, however, the flow of my writing has been like the rain in California. Which is to say, tending towards drought. From 45 posts a year, to two. Well, now, three. COVID shook us all up pretty hard; this last year was spent juggling the kids' remote school while putting in 20+ hours as a nurse during a pandemic. And hoping we would all come out intact. Do you remember when everything was done in front of a screen? Work and school, but also play dates, exercise, even visiting the grandparents. Phew, I was maxed out. If I even had an idea for a blog post, I had no desire to hold a laptop.

Nug has decided no more photos. April 2021

Okay so let me get to the point, because none of this info is new if you're a reader of this blog. I'm repeating it all and winding my way through because today is a big day. TODAY IS MY LAST BLOG POST! I am closing down the blog for good! I have been "At Least" wearing pants for years now, and you know what? They are usually clean and sometimes have a button waist. I'm good! The kids are good. They will be returning to real, full time school in the fall and...

I've accepted a full time job. Whoa, yes! After ten years of barely keeping my career alive with per-diem work, we made the family decision for me to return to the real deal! In two weeks time I will be an alarm-setting, commuting, hair-brushing member of the adult world! ALL GOOD. Err, not really. Of course I have had some hot emotions about this! 

• 

  Frida and Einstein (aka me and W), Feb 2021

  Denial. Is it really the right time? My golf game is really showing improvement. Cookie is still so little. 
• Fear. The plants will die if I'm not watering them. I am not a competent nurse. 
• Anxiety. How will we manage this how will we manage this how will we manage this? Note to self: not by overeating and drinking sake like you did last night. 

I know it will all fall into place. W is still working from home. She is fully supportive and equalizing the chore load. The job is only 30 hours a week and very flexible about where I do those hours. The kids, well, with their TV habits (thank you, not really, COVID) they may not even notice I'm gone. 😏 I'm looking forward to contributing and growing my career as the Clinical Educator for my clinic. I'll be doing what I like best as a masters-prepared nurse: supporting others so they can shine. The human element + program design = balancing out my brain. A new phase is born.

Rosie the Bumblebee. June 2021

So this is goodbye! And thank you! Thank you, readers, for supporting this passion of mine. Over the years, many of you have left comments or sent messages of encouragement for my writing or of motherhood. Every one of them is a treasured jewel. And so many of you are IN these stories. Please accept my gratitude for the cups of coffee offered, answers to my bat calls, early morning workouts, swapped juice boxes, eye rolls over school policy, lingering to chat, and so much more. 

But the writing will live on in the next generation because Nug has taken an interest. Do I love this? Of course! Creating the Christmas letter together is a warm bridge between our logophile hearts (yes, I googled that). She's also kinda dying to know what I've written about in this blog, and despite having shared everything with them since the dawn of time, it only recently occurred to me that they might one day read these pages. Yikes! Ack, what did I say?! So, a quick disclaimer...

Nug, you may read in here about the many challenges I had when you were little. It's true. It was challenging. But you will also read how much joy and excitement you bring to me and Mama's lives. Shortly after you were born your eyes locked with mine, your little brow furrowed, and I knew you had big questions for this world. I adore your questioning spirit, your indefatigability, and your constant desire to be in connection with others. Your firm presence creates its own gravity. It is awe-inspiring to witness (I can't believe I had any hand in it), and it will serve you well. 

Cookie, I'm sorry I wrote more stories about your sister than you. Please know I was busy holding you instead of writing. While Nug was a gift of transformation, you were a gift of presence and acceptance. The world has been calling you "sweet" since before you could talk because they are drawn to your calm, tolerant nature (you tolerated having three moms; Nug was your primary mother when you were an infant). I will never forget the time I was too sick to get out of bed and your little two-year-old self laid at my head the entire day. The world needs your loyalty, sensitivity, and sweet heart. 

I love you both so much! 💖 I hope my words are a beam of love, but I also understand if one day you need to reject or rebel against anything I've said here. #teenagers 

XXOO

So long, farewell! April 2021