What To Wear When You're 34

Say goodbye (and hello, in my case) to Juicy Couture.

Are you a mom of a young child, in her thirties, and wondering how your fashion rates? Take my fashion quiz!

1. Is it hard to find a t-shirt that fits right?
2. Are dresses and shorts made waaaay too short these days?
3. Does a midriff top make you look pregnant?
4. Does your butt crack come out of your jeans when you squat down to your toddlers level? (bonus question: do you care?)
5. Are all of your shoes slip-on?

Now count up the number of times you answered yes (add two more points if you are a stay-at-home mom).
0-1: Girl, you still got it! Go on and shop: fashion works for you.
2-3: You're living on the edge. Check yourself.
4-8: Beware my frumpy sister, even your old pal Old Navy may turn it's back. Good luck.

I love these looks! What does that mean about me?

Can you guess where I scored? The other working title for this post was "Too Young for Eileen Fisher, too Old for Juicy Couture." W made that one up. She was actually trying to be helpful. She also recommended that I Google search "what to wear when you're thirty-something." I laughed, but then saw this invitation as a chance to use my masters degree this year (ha! I'm laughing at that one). And so, my fashion fumbling friends, I present my very scholarly literature review, in bullet point fashion (without citing my sources, of course, because that's boring):

DOs and DONT's of Fashion in Your Thirties:

• Avoid mini skirts. Duh.
• Think "current," not "trendy."
• Avoid Clarks shoes (um, I wear daily!). Here I quote the (British) author, "The National Health Service should almost certainly list this as a sign of the onset of dementia."
• Take what's fun, and tone it down. Sad, right? It made me sigh out loud, but it's solid advice. Pair your boring outfit with a statement necklace if you must.
• Forget "clubwear" exists. I know, this one is hard. Luckily I did most of my clubbing from ages 19 to 21 (outside of the US), so those days are far far behind me.
• Avoid collegiate sweats, T-shirts and caps. 
• Hide your tummy with a structured jacket (yep, we've entered the blazer age) and pants with a wide waistband.
• Fit is everything. One good pair of jeans is worth five cheap pairs. 
• If you like a retro look, remember: if you wore it twenty years ago, do not wear it again. 
• Minimize wide hips by wearing pants with wider leg openings. Our hips sing hooray for the return of boot cut!
• Invest in well-made, properly fitted undergarments. In the childbearing years, this is a constantly moving target that will empty your wallet. Drop change in your piggy bank and suck it up.
• If you constantly find yourself saying "why can't I ever find (trusty-old-favorite-item) in the stores any more?" chances are you're in a deep, deep rut.

Was that helpful? Or, if you need to condense the information, my wife has this summary for you:

"Women in their thirties are either wearing business suits, active wear, or maternity clothes.  Those are your options. If you aren't pregnant or going to work, you're in yoga pants with your kids."

OH! So this is why a) I look like a gymnastics instructor, b) I'm instinctually drawn to maternity clothes- they are so comfy on my panzita, and c) the Missy section is full of silk blouses. And this is why it feels like I fell asleep at twenty-nine and woke up at thirty-four. Pregnant at thirty-one, breastfeeding at thirty-two and thirty-three, I'm back in the fashion game only to find that childbearing attire was where it's at all along.

If you don't believe me, take it from the experts. TLC network just announced that they would end their popular and long-running show, "What Not To Wear." The ultimate in getting tired moms out of their sweats and pony-tails and into items with shape and accessories, even they have thrown in the towel. Sorry, Fashion World, but when you're a thirty-something stay-at-home mom with a young child, boogers are your best accessory.