Start Where You Are (week 2/52)

"Mom," she calls from the kitchen, her voice calm, placating, "now don't get mad at me." My shoulders tensed in anticipation as I turned to come upon a mess of tiny yellow globs. She had spilled lemon zest. It was flung like a Jackson Pollock painting, dribbled from the counter to the cupboard to a series of bright piles on the tile floor. Being a master at reading my body language and my (what I thought were discrete) huffs of exhaustion, Nug had tried to intercept my rising frustration. I stood in front of the zested offense and indeed felt myself bubbling with anger. Because it wasn't just this spill... it was all their spills and needs and tears and fights, piling up all day long onto my weary shoulders. Nug continued to mediate my emotion as I lowered myself down, her voice fighting to wrestle away my feeling of annoyance. Now in prayer position at to the feet of my five year old daughter, I scooped lemon rind onto my sponge, and mercifully, finally, found myself instead humbled with shame, realizing that her first reaction was to manage mine.  

All because of some stupid lemon zest. Ugh.

It was a hard day. It was a day of overreacting. To everything. It was a day when my voice stayed loud, pressing, quick. It was a day when I grasped for things I felt I had done right as a mom. I've kept them alive this far. They ate vegetables today. I didn't cry in front of them. I said I was sorry. Is it the inevitable low after the Holiday High? Or maybe being stuck indoors with three days of cold rain? Or maybe I feel a little less important and little more unstable with my sudden lack of RN work? Or maybe it's the fact that no one can have a good day at work everyday. But, I hate those days. I hate it when my five year old tells me not to get mad at her. I hate it when my two year old bursts into tears because I yelled. I hate it when I haven't laughed all day, and everyone is grouchy because of it. I hate it when my only bright light is bedtime. 

Sometimes they are safer in someone else's care! With my Dad on New Years Day.

I woke the next day in sheer surprise under the weight of Nug's giant embrace. She still loves me! I felt like an open wound: raw, tender, but eager to heal. Parenting is not an endeavor of sure footing, but the trade off is an unending cache of perspective (the one good thing about hitting bottom is looking up, right?!). From my humility, I felt so grateful for the possibilities that might arise... and for kids who forgive my bad behavior!

But I needed some guidance. I needed to survey the landscape ahead. Last year I came across Abundant Mama who helped me set some great parenthood intentions for the year, read them here. This time I landed on her "Project 52," which is a years-worth of weekly prompts to help me be a more "awake parent." I could use some weekly reminders to keep me in the game.

Week one is "sleep." Luckily I wrote about sleep a couple of months ago, so I'm already ahead! Woo! Haha. Actually, I know I won't be able to blog weekly, but I do hope to write about the more meaningful weeks. Week two's prompt is "start where you are." Here's the info: 

Take a photo of where you are right now either physically, or on your journey to Stay Awake. Perhaps you are overwhelmed with a mess, a project or a major life change. Start where you are. Where are you in your journey of parenting? Where are you in your spiritual journey? Wherever you are, find a way to take a photo that represents that very moment in time.

Ahhh, timely. Where am I in my journey of parenting? Well...
Today I am humbled. Today I am grateful for the intimate knowledge of its highs and lows. 
Today I am unbound and open to new directions. For parenting, work, balance, and exercise.
Today, instead of unleashing a yell, I take a deep breath and smile.
Today I start with laughter. 

Where am I today? With the intention to start and finish the day laughing.

The 52 prompts:
Week 1 | Sleep Week 2 | Start where you are Week 3 | Set a daily intention Week 4 | Rise Early Week 5 | Unplug Week 6 | Embrace the Moment Week 7 | Notice the Details Week 8 | Say Yes Week 9 | Try Something New Week 10 | Get Outside Week 11 | Savor Week 12 | Make Connections Week 13 | Mind Your Words Week 14 | Honor Your Body Week 15 | Act like a Child Week 16 | Seek Out Awe Week 17 | Quiet Your Mind Week 18 | Pay Attention Week 19 | I Will Not Week 20 | Trust Yourself  Week 21 | Working rest into a busy day Week 22 | Slow Down Week 23 | Make Space Week 24 | Wake up to who you are Week 25 | Seek out Simplicity Week 26  | Use your senses Week 27 | She let go Week 28 | Find the Good Week 29 | Start Living Week 30 | Arrive Early Week 31 | Surrender to Daily Routines Week 32 | Embrace what Matters Week 33 | Be Playful Week 34 | Breathe Peace Week 35 | Choose Joy Week 36 | Be Open to the Lessons Week 37 | Creating a Space for Stillness Week 38 | Listen Up Week 39 | Lose yourself in the moment Week 40 | Accept the present moment Week 41 | Kiss the Ground Week 42 | Enjoy the Journey Week 43 | Make Art Week 44 | Set a Gratitude Intention Week 45 | Be where you are Week 46 | Do Less Week 47 | Take comfort in the ordinary Week 48 | Write a REAL to-do list Week 49  | Be open to WONDERS Week 50 | Create a Mantra for living Week 51 | Kiss the Ground Week 52 | Tell your story of right now.